Over coming your parents parenting

As we make our journey to adulthood, most of us are licking our wounds from childhood. In fact most clients come to counseling with an idea that their parents are “going to be blamed” in some way for their current situation. We have an understanding that patterns get repeated, that we learn from our environment and that we seek out the familiar. Sounds like a recipe to repeat childhood issues throughout adulthood. While we have the intention of “never turning out like my parents” we generally become a mirror image of them or 180 degrees away from them, which is not any healthier, just opposite.

The abused child has the intention of never abusing his children. He never wants his children to feel the pain, the rejection of not been heard or treated as an object rather then a valuable human. Admirable intention but it actually becomes, never disciplining his children. It is wonderful that he has been able to change the pattern of abuse but has it really changed? For his children’s generation, there has been no physical abuse, in fact it has been the opposite. There has also not been guidance, no consequences for actions and no opportunity for the child to learn how to self-regulate. Now if his children follow suit and they become a mirror image of that parent and champion a “no discipline” parenting style there is no physical abuse but also no learning. If that child grows to create a parenting style 180 degrees away from his parents the abuse is back. So you can see that the pattern flip flops from abuse to no discipline to abuse.

How do we decide which direction to go? It boils down to how much respect we have for our parents parenting. If we have no respect for them as parents because of a lack of guidance we will go 180 degrees the other direction and provide lots and lots of guidance, believing we would have been so much better off with structure and guidance. How much is enough? When we believe we know what is best for our children we make all of their decisions for them and don’t take their thoughts into consideration. We set a plan that is best for them and we will guide, prod, or steer relentlessly until they comply. Sometimes that means “putting the fear in them”. Of course as adults we do have greater insight to situations and have the foresight to see what situations to avoid. We are able to make great decisions for our children. You will know you are crossing a line (to over controlling) when you make a decision to chart the course of your child’s life with out taking their interests, thoughts, and talents into account. That would be choosing a life we want for them rather then a life about what they want to achieve. Most of us would not feel very important or valuable if someone else decided the course of our lives. Nor would we be very motivated to move down that chosen path because it doesn’t represent our interests.

As a parent it is incumbent upon you to look at the intention of the structure and guidance you provide. Is it about the kids toeing the line and doing what you told them to do because you believe that is respectful? Is your parenting about “keeping the peace”, keeping the kids happy so they don’t whine, complain or dislike you? Is your parenting about guiding your child to be the best person he can be? Let’s look at each style to see how we got there and what we would like to change if anything.


It is commonly agreed in psychology that there are four types of parenting styles (Maccoby & Martin, 1983).

Indulgent parents (also referred to as permissive or non directive parents) are more responsive then demanding. They do not require mature behavior. Because they do not require mature behavior, there is no learning about self-management and self-regulation. These are the parents who do everything for their child, including fighting their battles, and bailing them out of the trouble they create time and time again. Children raised in this environment are more likely to be involved in problem behavior, but curiously, have high self esteem. (Weiss & Schwartz, 1996).

Authoritarian parents are highly demanding and directive but not very responsive. They expect their children to “toe the line” and obey them without explanation. Sounds like the military doesn’t it? “Don’t question my orders, just follow them.” Authoritarian parents provide well ordered, well structured environments. The structure seems to be the most valued part of the relationship. This type of parenting style values conformity to the structure over the individual needs. Obedience and status oriented, those are the concerns of the day. Children in this environment tend to have lower self esteem and lower social skills, but don’t usually engage in problem behavior. (Baumind, 1991; Weiss & Schwartz 1996, Miller et al., 1993).


Authoritative parents are both demanding and responsive. They impart clear structure and standards for their child’s behavior. They are assertive, letting the child know what is expected of them and why, and what the natural consequences will be for not following the structure. Their discipline is not punitive but rather supportive in helping the child reach the goal. The parenting goal for this type of parenting style is to help the child learn to self regulate, self monitor, be socially and personally responsible. These children tend to have very good social skills, good self-regular skills, and are able to respond to the needs of others. (Baumrind, 1989).

Uninvolved or neglectful parents are both low in responsiveness and demandingness. In extreme cases this parenting style my encompass both rejecting-neglecting and neglectful parents (Baumrind, 1991).These kids are on their own. They don’t learn any appropriate boundaries and are always guessing about what is the right way to do something. They tend to have very low self-esteem, and poor social skills.



Two important elements in parenting are parental responsiveness and parental demandingness (Maccoby & Martin, 1983). Parental responsiveness, also known as parental warmth or supportiveness refers to the extent to which parents intentionally foster individuality, self-regulation, and self-assertion by being attuned, supportive and acquiescent to children’s special needs and demands (Baumrind, 1991). Parental demandingness refers to the behavioral control. This refers to the claims the parents make on the child to become integrated into the family whole, by their maturity demands, supervision, disciplinary efforts and willingness to confront the child who disobeys (Baumrind, 1991).


When we look at the key elements of parenting, responsiveness, and demandingness, it is important to know how discipline fits into the picture. Discipline doesn’t mean to hurt or harm, it means to teach. When we look at how we teach our children what they need to know to be socially appropriate, it is likely going to be the way we learned to be socially appropriate or 180 degrees different then we learned. Perhaps it is time to pick some of the positive aspects we learned from our parents parenting, and combine them with things we wish they would have done. Perhaps our parents provided great structure but didn’t have any flexibility about changing situations. We wish they had been able to go with the flow at times. Perhaps that is what we can provide for our kids. Structure with flexibility; that will seem more respectful to all involved and be more responsive to evolving situations. Perhaps your parents were not “neglectful” but certainly were under responsive to our needs. Perhaps we can learn to respond in a more loving way based on our experience but temper that emotion so as not to get in a situation of over responding.

As parents we have the responsibility to teach our children how to live in the world. How to self regulate and manage their own behavior. We need to teach them that there are natural consequences for every decision they make. The best way to teach is first hand experience. That means allowing the natural consequences to occur. If he doesn’t turn in his assignment on time, he will lose points and no one can change that. If he didn’t get clear directions on how to do the project, he will not understand clearly how to do the project. If he doesn’t behave in a socialized way, he will not get the social result he wants.

Teaching your child to self regulate and manage his own behavior is the first step of social behavior and maturity. If your child doesn’t learn in pre-K that it isn’t socially acceptable to bite your friend, he will not learn how to have friends. He will not learn the other critical social steps to maturity. I know, it sounds simplistic, but if he doesn’t learn that it is not socially acceptable to hurt his friends to get his way, how will he move to the next step of empathy? Just like your child is developing his I.Q., he is developing his E.Q. (emotional quotient). E.Q. may turn out to be even more important that I.Q.

In a nut shell emotional quotient is social savey. Does this person know how to play nice with others, in the school yard or on your project team? Does he have the social skills to share his milk with a friend who forgot hers or wine and dine a potential client for your firm? Does he intimidate those around him or can he put anyone at ease with his finesse? When you look at these examples, you know who you would want to work with, just like the kids on the play ground know who they want to play with. The lessons start early and grow with your child, if you as a parent allow it, and nurture your child through the situations. Social learning begins with accountability. Everyone needs to be held accountable for their behavior. Accountability grows with the child. If we don’t give the friend biter a time out and tell him that behavior is not allowed, and teach him how to say he is sorry to his friend, how could we expect him to navigate the social dynamics of an adult relationship, difficult coworkers, or in-laws of a different culture? These are real life situations that are difficult to manage with good social skills and will likely be impossible with little social learning.

Accountability is the cornerstone of responsibility. You won’t learn to accept responsibility if you can’t learn how to be accountable. If you look at the word responsibility, it literally means the ability to respond. Do you have the ability to respond in an appropriate way? If you don’t have the cornerstone of accountability in place you will not develop that ability. You will simply learn how to react. We have all been around reactionary people. They are very unpleasant, emotional, angry, defensive, and blaming. They blame anyone and everyone, because they do not know how to respond appropriately. They react to shift the focus on to someone else. Like your children, each pointing at the other when the living room lamp breaks “he did it!” Reactionary people are whiners. They want what they want when they want it. They don’t have the communication skills to assertively ask for what they want, state why it is important to them or have the patience to let it unfold for them. They want it now! They have learned how to whine louder and louder, or outburst their anger bigger and bigger to get what they want, when they want it. Likely, the product of indulgent parents who were uncomfortable with conflict. I just want my kid happy. What is the expense of this behavior? I can’t see a happy adult relationship with this kind of behavior, I don’t see too many career advancements in his future, in fact this kind of person has not even learned to meet his own needs appropriately, and will always demand someone else meet them for him. If you think that sounds like a three year old, you would be right. It can be hard to watch a 3 year old tantrum to manipulate, or perhaps hard to endure if it is a day of tantruming but you certainly expect it in this age group. When an adult has a tantrum, people will walk away.

When we raise our child without accountability and fail to teach them responsibility. We have just raised him to look for his happiness, in someone else constantly meeting his needs. We have just raised this person up to only see his personal power in the big emotional outburst of the moment, scaring or manipulating others into doing what he wants but we have not taught him how to make things happen for himself. We have rendered this guy powerless in his life unless he wants to learn responsibility. In my experience, the longer a person takes to learn accountability and responsibility, the less likely he is going to want to learn it. If a grown adult doesn’t want to learn, he won’t. By adulthood it seems more convenient to have others take your responsibility, that is the skill he was taught. There is also a tremendous secret fear that he may not be able to adequately meet the responsibility, and not wanting to look foolish or weak, he will avoid, or get angry that someone else hasn’t done it yet or simply lie about his role in it.

How in the world do we get to this point? What keeps us from holding our children accountable? Lots! It can be painful to hold your child accountable. It hurts to watch them upset, or ashamed or guilty. Sometimes their behavior can be so embarrassing, we just want to walk away and hope it magically changes. Some of us don’t know how to hold ourselves or others accountable. If you came from a family with poor boundaries, no guidelines, uninvolved parents or neglectful parents, you didn’t learn the skills. If you came from a family of very harsh parents, too strict, an authoritarian household (you do it may way now) you likely didn’t learn accountability and responsibility as a very positive thing. It was likely taught through force, humiliation, shame or guilt. Coming out of that environment, you may assume that holding your child accountable will create the same humiliating lesson (if you don’t do it right, you are bad).

Healthy accountability doesn’t leave scars. It can be painful to make mistakes and learn, but it is not shameful, or humiliating to learn what you are responsible for, learn the tools to respond appropriately, and succeed at doing it. In fact it creates self-esteem, confidence, and sense of self power. What do I mean by healthy accountability? Only holding someone accountable for what is theirs. I can’t be accountable for what is yours because I don’t have any power over you. I can’t do your work or make you do it. I can only do mine. In abusive homes, often times children are held accountable for things they have no control over, things that are not theirs. A drunken parent may become enraged that one child left toys out and blame the older one for allowing it to happen, or the other parent for a crying baby, or worse yet, blame those around him for his own abusive behavior (you are making me hurt you because you were bad). Clearly, that is not healthy accountability. That is impossible expectations.

Often times, coming out of that abusive environment will make you crave control. You may only feel safe if you control every aspect of everything. You become the guy who does everything for his kids and does not give them any responsibility, partly because you want the control to do everything your way, and partly because you don’t want your kids to feel bad, or dislike you. What are you teaching them? If that is where you came from, you need to learn what healthy accountability is so you can become responsible for your own behavior, and let go of the burden of carrying everyone’s responsibility. Once you learn for yourself, it is much easier to teach your children and really feel good about the teaching.

If you come from a family of no rules, no appropriate teaching of responsibility, chances are the home you have created is one of two types of homes. The first type mirror’s your own childhood home, neglectful, no caring, parent to take responsibility for raising their children. No one providing for the children’s their basic needs. That is a case for the authorities to get involved. Maybe your parenting skills are slightly better then your parents and you have only created a subset of neglectful home. Perhaps your home doesn’t meet the CPS criteria for neglectful. You are a loving parent, you have no intention of neglecting your children, their basic needs are met but in your home, there is no responsible parent (no parent responding to situations appropriately). Your kids are really on their own to make decisions; you are not using your parent power to teach them how to make appropriate choices. You are allowing your children to flounder from situation to situation to make the best guess they can at appropriate, sometimes they get it right and sometimes they don’t but without coaching and feed back, it will be hard for them to learn their lessons.

Perhaps the second type. The parent one who is 180 degrees different from his parents. You are the guy who does everything for your kids and you give them no responsibilities. The parent who can’t hold his child responsible, is so fearful of being disliked, or seen as “mean” or un cool (hey, that sounds just like the parent that came from the authoritative home, very directive, very demanding, structure at any cost, who became the opposite of his parents behavior). Perhaps it is a single parent who feels in competition with the ex to be “the favorite parent”. Congratulations, yours may be the favorite household, because there are no rules, but you can bet you won’t be the respected parent. If you don’t have respect for your position as the parent, teacher, leader, don’t expect your child to respect the position. They will see you as a joke, and manipulate that insecurity to their own demise, then, rightfully blame you for not taking control. I promise you that will be humiliating, and perhaps negatively life altering. You have to honestly recognize your responsibility as the parent. Realize, you don’t like people you can’t respect. You can’t respect people who don’t respect themselves. Don’t be the door mat parent to avoid whining. Learn to manage the whining and in the process you will learn self respect, and teach accountability, self management and responsibility.

It isn’t always easy to overcome our parents parenting. First you have to recognize the propensity for the flip flop (exactly the same or 180 degrees the opposite direction). You have to accept that either extreme is likely unhealthy and that it is possible to create something more in the middle, more suitable for your family, structure with flexibility for changing situations and definitely your own creation to be proud of. Change can be very frightening, but it can be very rewarding when you are able to be accountable, proudly responsible, and able to teach your children the values, morals and skills they need to create their own success. You will proudly watch as your children succeed in their personal growth, gradually learning the skills they need and successfully employing those skills. There is no better feeling I have had then watching my children create, achieve their dreams. They understand their growing sense of personal power to create the life they want with each success. Step up! Learn what you don’t know, teach what you were meant to teach and be the parent your child needs.

Anger Scale

An anger scale is a tool we use to help people identify how their anger builds. Often times, clients will remark “my temper goes 0-90 miles per hour in a flash, I don’t know when it is coming). That is a sign that client is on “auto-pilot” when angry. The key to changing the behavior is to slow down the process so you can identify the subtleties that occur at different stages. This exercise is helpful to do with someone who has witnessed how your anger builds. We often don’t have good insight to our own behavior when we are in the midst of anger, so the other view point can be very helpful.

I have clients begin at the end with this scale. I want them to describe their most angry episode. This is usually embarrassing as angry behavior is not a proud moment to remember. Write down your most extreme behavior when angry, do you hit people or things such as doors, walls, ect. Do you break things? Is there screaming, yelling cursing? Are you in someone’s face? Do you use things to hit others, such as a shoe, a book, anything that is handy? Those are the behaviors you write in the spot marked 10. That is how you and others will know you are at a 10. Now go to the 5 spot. Describe what your moderately angry behavior is like. Is it recognizable in your tone? Is there sarcasm, a harsh tone, or a loud volume? Perhaps, there is silence, a seething anger. Write down what your moderately angry behaviors are like in the 5 spot on the scale. The more detail you can provide the more useful the tool.

Sometimes when we reach a spot in the anger scale, it is enough and our response results in less anger, and we cool off. Sometimes, anger, generates more anger. That happens when the wheels start turning and we are thinking of all the injustices we have suffered; or perhaps all of the things that went wrong today. In any case, our thoughts are helping to generate more anger, and more angry behavior. Let’s look at what happens when your 5 just became a 6. How is your behavior different at a 6? Are you popping your knuckles, perhaps pacing the floor, perhaps a more intense look or more intensity in your voice. Perhaps that is when the cussing begins, or you raise your voice. Write what is true for you. Suppose that outburst didn’t satisfy, and the anger continues to build? What is your behavior like at a 7? What are the thoughts that usually accompany this behavior? Is that your point of no return? The point of no return is when your anger is unstoppable. The point of no return is where your behavior escalates to a 10.

Now go back and look at the lower numbers of the scale. What happens at a 3or a 4. What is your behavior? Are you rolling your eyes, or muttering, perhaps name calling? Write what is true for your behavior. Is your point of no return in these lower numbers? If so, you will have some work ahead of you to make changes in your relationship to anger. Likely, if your point of no return is achieved in the lower numbers, you are using your angry behavior to manipulate those around you. This is your perceived power. People are probably afraid of you and try to either avoid you, or keep you happy. You may struggle with changing your behavior because initially, you will feel powerless. When you stop scaring people, they stop being afraid. When they stop being afraid, they are more likely to voice their true likes, dislikes, and opinions. Can you see the conflict building? Why would you want to change your angry behavior? It has served you as a power tool for so long. Angry behavior burns bridges. Eventually, your little island becomes very lonely without relationships. We need people to be complete, happy, and fulfilled. Our relationships are what define us. If you look around and realize you don’t have any close relationships, you must look at your own behavior for some clues. You cannot have true closeness or intimacy in a relationship without being able to hear and accept others, including their conflicting views. That journey will need to begin with you. Your journey to relationships with others begins with the relationship you have with yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to be perfect before you can be in relationships with others. We are humans, and a work in progress. I hope this anger scale helps you to begin the progress you want to make.

Basic Parenting 101

I know many of you will dismiss this article thinking, “I am a parent, I have the basics, I don’t need this.” Even if it isn’t your first rodeo, you may want to have a peek. I have so many clients come to counseling looking for guidance on the basics. So many parents feel like they need permission to follow through with their gut instincts. The families that are coming for guidance usually have a child that is behaving very differently from their other children and they are at a loss. What worked with the other children is not working and may even be escalating the situation. The other parents that come for guidance are lost in some parenting areas. Those are the people that haven’t had good parenting examples from their parents. They may have been raised in an abusive home and learned that they don’t want their children to experience what they did, and are at a loss for some positive coping skills. Some parents come for parenting guidance when they grew up in homes were they didn’t have strong parents. Perhaps they didn’t have enough guidance and felt that they had to learn a lot of skills on their own and too young. Often times these people had to have a hand in raising younger siblings and are burned out on parenting. Even though these situations are very different, the solution may be the same.

Back to basics parenting looks at using natural consequences, positive and negative to effect a change in behavior. Basic parenting also looks to the child for solutions. Changing behavior means reinforcing what you want, the positive, and negatively effecting what you don’t want, negative consequences to create effective behavioral changes. You will want to use what is important to your child. Behavioral shaping is a well researched area and decades of experience tell us that positively rewarding positive behavior accelerates the learning process. We are all familiar with negative consequences for negative behavior. Most of us call that punishment. As parents, we want our children to learn that in real life there will be negative consequences for negative behavior. Our hope is that our kids will learn the lesson of natural consequences long before they are able to have a powerful negative behavior such as criminal behavior or permanent negative behavior like a teenage pregnancy. Of course these are extreme examples but the reality is that if our children don’t learn good self management skills, they will not manage themselves well. They will open themselves to much more extreme behavior. When our children cross that line, we are no longer administering the consequences. When the behavior becomes extreme other authorities will be, administering the consequences, such as teachers, school principles, police, or judges.

Sometimes parents are baffled about why a strong negative consequence doesn’t effect the change of behavior they had hoped. For example, I had a family come for counseling after their 14 year old daughter had sent nude photos of herself to various male friends on the internet. Their “punishment” was no extra curricular activities for several months and she had to write several Bible versus. Much to their surprise, she did the same thing again! My thought was she was able to do the same thing again because she could. The consequence they administered was not a natural one. It didn’t directly affect the behavior they wanted to change. A natural consequence is one that is directly tied to the behavior you want to change. A natural consequence for that family might have been losing the computer for a long period of time, and then when she regains the privilege only with parent supervision until they are convinced she has learned to be responsible with his very powerful tool. . She would need to lose all of the tools necessary to have that extreme behavior, computer, camera (or cell phone if that is how it is generated) and lack of supervision. Oftentimes, a repeat in the same behavior is a sign that the consequence is not directly tied to the behavior or that the consequence doesn’t really have value to that child. It can be tricky to find a consequence that is directly tied to the behavior and has value to your child. If you can’t tie the two together, look for the consequence that has the most impact on your child. Go for the soft underbelly. Our goal is to motivate them to do the right thing.

Parenting is an interpersonal relationship. Obviously, it occurs in relationship to a child. Because of that relationship, the behavior that needs to change is not just the child, but also the parent. There are two parts to the equation, the child behavior, and the parent behavior. As adults, we don’t feel like we need to change anything we say or do. They (the children) should simply respond to us the way we want. As Dr. Phil would say “how is that working for you?” In a perfect world maybe that idea would work, but we live here on Earth, and it’s not perfect. Part of why we get so upset when our children don’t respond the way we want them to is that we personalize their behavior. We respond to their behavior as if it were created to and directed at making us upset. For example, James is dawdling around the house despite your repeated warnings that if he wants a ride to school with you, he needs to be ready to leave at 8:00. At 7:50 you give him another warning “socks and shoes buddy, I’m leaving at 8:00, you aren’t going to make me late for work!” 8:10 comes and you are furious, because he made you late again. In your mind there is a dialogue going on about how disrespectful this child is; he doesn’t respect your time, he doesn’t respect your authority; he does what he wants when he wants without regard for others. Sound familiar? What needs to change here? Both parts of the equation.

The child needs to learn time management skills, and the parent needs to learn to set and hold appropriate boundaries. Children don’t come with perfect skills; they learn and grow into them. This child likely doesn’t have a great concept of how long it takes to get certain tasks done (oh, it will just take a minute) and also he really doesn’t believe the parent will leave without him. On the parent side of the equation, the parent believes he set the boundary (8:00 am) and if the child loves and respects him, he will be on time. People learn through experience and the child has to have the experience of getting everything done to know how long it takes. He likely won’t be on time the first few times. In other words, it takes significantly longer to do then he thought it would (just like every school project). On the parent end of the equation, it is really important not to personalize the child’s learning experience. He is learning how to prioritize, and how long it takes to get things done. Obviously he didn’t learn from your explanation of how long it would take him and he had better start now. No, this child is going to learn from his own experience, and likely his own failures. That experience doesn’t have anything to do with the love or respect he has for his parent. Proving his love and respect is not even on his mind as he tackles his challenge of getting ready. Let’s get back to the boundary. Apparently, the boundary dad thought he set was not really 8:00, because 8:00 came and went without consequence. “But I did set the boundary, he just didn’t honor it!” I am sure that is what dad believes, but if he didn’t enforce the boundary with a consequence, it wasn’t really a boundary, but rather a suggestion.

What are boundaries and why do we need them? Boundaries are the rules we create to take care of ourselves, and relationships. Boundaries define where one person ends and another one begins. They teach people how to be responsible and accountable for their behavior. They teach others how you wanted to be treated and respected. The boundaries you set for yourself, train others how they are supposed to behave with you. If you don’t have any, you are allowing them to treat you any way they want to. Boundaries show others the regard you hold for yourself. Teaching our kids about boundaries, teaches them how to be respectful, of themselves and others; how to behave in our society. Just as your child has to learn how to navigate the boundaries, and how to change his behavior to be successful, the parent must learn how to set appropriate boundaries, and appropriate consequences.

When you are deciding about consequences and boundaries, take the emotion out of the situation and figure out what it is you hope to achieve. Remember, our goal is not to influence through shame, humiliation or fear, but direct, logical consequences. Those consequences eventually help the child to understand their power in the world. They have the power to make good choices or bad choices and they will be the only one living with the natural consequence. We want them to have direct experience with being responsible, and accountable. Our goal is to teach them to do the right thing every time, even if it is a hard choice.

For further information see the Psych To Go section, and download Behavior Contracts.

Journaling

Journaling is such a simple way to accelerate your personal development. Often times journaling will begin as a vent for people. They just simply want to release to frustrations of the day or the week. It doesn’t take long for most to realize the power they have in their hands. Journaling can be a tool to explore deep inside, to plum the depths of a being, to uncover lost dreams and create a path to the future. Through journaling we can identify our thought streams. We can see literally how we get off track or how we are stuck in a cycle of self destructive thoughts, which become our reality.

People think sequentially, one thought triggers the next which triggers the next. At times our thoughts will travel down a new branch which will of course take our mind in a different direction. Our thoughts have a beginning, a middle, and an end. While we are in the midst of them, it can be very tricky to navigate to a more positive ending. That is where journaling comes in. When we take the time to review our writings, we will see our thoughts from a different perspective. Often our most terrifying thoughts are much less powerful on paper. Emotions that may be very upsetting to experience in real time, may be much less intense on paper. Sometimes the reverse is true, seeing your reality in a new light, may jolt you into a new direction. While journaling gives most people the power and permission to express themselves, it also gives the writer the power to stop writing when the emotions are too powerful.

It is important to recognize the emotions that one is reacting to. In my own journaling I have recognized that I have reacted to emotions I wasn’t even feeling in the moment. In one situation I was clearly having a knee jerk reaction to a family secret that still influences who I am. Journaling helped me to see how those secrets and myths are still attached to me in day to day life. The writing helped me to identify what I was feeling in my body, and what those emotions are and what they make me believe about me. Those emotions weren’t congruent to my reaction. That experience helped me to understand that you can’t change what you don’t know, and you don’t know what you don’t know.

Journaling can open the quiet, private space inside that you never knew existed. Having this introspection can provide clarity to a situation you may have been mired in. Journaling also provides a record of your progress that you may not have noticed, or a long forgotten pattern rearing its ugly head. Self expression is so important. It is the first step towards self acceptance. We are so willing to believe the negative about ourselves, with journaling we can learn to believe the truth about ourselves. With truth comes power. Understanding the truth of who you are gives you the power to change what you don’t like and move towards what you truly want in life. Take a few minutes each day to reflect on YOU.

Be Careful Where You Step!

“You can’t boss me around you’re not my real mom!” If that sounds familiar, you are part of a stepfamily. Step-parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. Recent studies show that divorce rates are on the increase (50% for 1st marriages, and as high as 75% for consecutive unions) that means there are more and more families blending, and at times, re-blending. I think a better term for combining families would be colliding, rather then blending. Every family comes with its own history, a cast of personalities, traditions, and of course an ex-bomb or two who could detonate at any time. To be successful, the new couple, both bio-parent and step-parent need to have realistic expectations of each other as the family begins its journey. The most important ingredient of this new family is of course love however, the most necessary tool for the success of this family is communication.

Communication, communication, communication. I can’t say it enough and you can’t do it enough. Remember, this is likely new territory for you. This might be your first marriage, or your first time at parenting, or your first time to have to defer to a spouses’ ex. Any of these firsts requires love and support. You need to be able to discuss your thoughts and feelings about these events, and so do all of your family members. Often people believe that if they keep quiet about a problem it will blow over or somehow the situation will change. Not likely. The problem won’t resolve itself magically, your step children will not change their behavior if it is never confronted. You won’t change your behavior if you don’t know it is irritating anyone. Simply trying to “suck it up” will only allow your resentment to build. Before you know it you will resent the step kids, resent your wife for not stepping in to change a situation she doesn’t even know exists, because you have decided to keep it to yourself, and last but not least you will begin to resent yourself for getting into this situation.

The best hope any family has to be healthy and happy is to address issues as they arrive. Parents need to have strategies in place long before a situation arises. People come from different backgrounds, and have different parenting styles. This new family needs structure and structure comes from guidance. Another term for guidance is discipline. The parents of this new family need to plan ahead and develop rules and consequences that fit this new family. So many things have changed for the many family members that consistency is a must for everyone to find their footing. Consistency is going to come from the parents creating a set of rules and guidelines that will be in place even when the other parent isn’t there for back up. Not only will you feel more confident to discipline your charges, even when the bio-parent isn’t home, because the two of you have created a structure ahead of time. Follow the game plan. That game plan also provides a sense of comfort for the bio-parent as she knows you will stick to the plan. Nothing scares a mom like a new step dad who comes ridin’n with both guns a blazing.

Parents are protective and we don’t want anyone parenting our child differently then we do. Of course there will be variations but the variations need to fall in the range the two of you have outlined. Nothing will alienate a child more then a step parent disciplining without some sort of established relationship and certainly if the parenting is far removed from what they are used to. Nothing will alienate a bio-parent more then disciplining their “baby” without some clear guidelines.


Your new family was born out of loss, loss due to death or divorce or perhaps loss due to abandonment. Chances are, you are trying to blend your family members into a new configuration while they are healing from their loss. It’s no wonder tempers flare or children are rude to their new steps, both parents and siblings. Often times they don’t know their new role in their new family. The oldest may now be the middle, or the youngest may be the youngest in one family yet a middle child in his new family. Very confusing, no one knows how to act, what the new rules are and even basic identity may feel like it is slipping away. “Who am I?” Certainly a question every child of a step family asks him self.

Take time to create new traditions for your family. Have regularly scheduled family meetings in which each person can anonymously put ideas in a hat, such as family dinners, family game night, kids cook night, or perhaps camping. Start a scrapbook for your new family, be sure everyone is represented. Kids really do count how many times each person is in a photo so be sure to balance. Is there a certain hobby everyone can participate in such as bike riding, rock climbing, boating, running, or evening walks? Parents set the structure for new family traditions, but everyone has input. The idea is to create warm memories , of course, but on a practicle note, family meetings and outings provide an opportunity for each family member to have a voice and to feel heard.

Even more important is creating regular couple time. Every couple needs time to reconnect with one another, to remember why they fell in love and why they chose each other. If the couple does not nurture the foundation of the family (parents) the rest of the family won’t be on solid ground. Parents get into such a habit of surviving day by day, they often don’t consciously create time alone to talk about all of the things they need to share with one another, such as how the rules are working out, how your annoying habit of leaving the towels on the floor is driving your new spouse up the wall, or how your son is responding positively to his step father after spending a weekend camping. Making the time to communicate provides opportunities. You have the opportunity to revamp the game plan if needed, the opportunity for your spouse to be honest about your annoying behavior, so you have the opportunity to change that behavior an avoid alienating your better half; you have the opportunity to positively reward your child and expand the opportunities to deepen the new relationship with his step parent.

If you take the time to plan your journey in the beginning, the mine field will be mostly mapped out. There will be a miss step here and there and of course and an unpredicitlbe ex-bomb will detonate at will, but the day to day course of living will be much more rewarding, supportive and loving. Not sure where you stand today, talk about it, be brave enough to get the feed back you need to create a more loving environment. You deserve it!

If They Have Siblings, They Will Rival

If They Have Siblings, They Will Rival

Mom, she’s in my room again! Quit bugging me! It’s my turn! Sound familiar? If it does then you have more then two kids. Sibling rivalry, while it can certainly be upsetting to watch and hear, it is also very normal and part of everyday life in most households. I know you are probably thinking, “the way my kids fight, it can’t possibly be normal.” As parents, the sound of our bickering children can be as annoying as the ping of dripping water in the night, or worse yet, fingernails on a chalk board but the truth is current research indicates sibling rivalry is a sign of a healthy household. In fact, a one sign of a dysfunctional household is that there is no sibling rivalry. In these homes, the stress level is so high that the children cling to one another for security.

Ok, so the experts assure us that it is normal for our little ankle biters to squabble, but do they have a good explanation of why? Apparently, the purpose of sibling rivalry is to learn how to resolve conflicts in a civil manner. I think that expert hasn’t heard my kids resolve their conflicts. On a recent car trip to Disney World my daughter became very agitated with her brother and bellowed out “MOM, he’s BREATHING AGAIN!” like he was willfully breaking the law and should be arrested. I feel much better about their relationship now that the experts assure me there is no pathology involved.

Those conflict resolution skills we employ so seamlessly in the work place are a direct result of the skills learned in sparing with our sibs. In the moment of conflict resolution, we learn that our brother is bigger and stronger, that our sister is sneaky and of course there is always a brown noser in the bunch. So how could that help us later in life? We learn how to navigate all these personality types and see patterns in their war tactics. We learn how to anticipate their wylie moves so one day; we can come out on top of the pile. It takes a lot of practice to develop good negotiating skills. Can you remember the first time you negotiated successfully with your brother to not pound the life out of you? Or when you convinced your sneaky sister that it was not in her best interest to tell on you? More negotiating skills.

We also learn first hand about fairness. There always seems to be one kid who doesn’t work much and gets all “A’s” while the others work desperately to simply pass, or the fact that the older sister gets all new clothes that the younger sister gets all the hand me downs. There is also the fact that you couldn’t ride “shot gun” until you were 11 but your little brother gets the privilege at age 8. Not fair. Those painful truths help us out later in life when your incompetent coworker gets the promotion you deserve, or when the neighbors move to a bigger, nicer home, or the fact that the Jones’s seem to have a happier marriage. We can handle and accept these realities with grace because learned all these painful lessons in childhood. The benefit to first experiencing these painful lessons in childhood is that grace is not expected of children. They are allowed to have a bit of a tantrum and scream “THAT’S NOT FAIR” something not allowed when you are an adult. I know, that’s not fair either.

The experts recommend that parents not intervene too much in conflict resolution so our little ankle biters can learn the skills they need. Parents do need to be sure there is no bullying or coercion going on or the lesson learned is that it is ok to take advantage of weaker people, or the flip side, to just give up and not stand up for yourself. Parents also need to coach their children to resolve their conflicts respectfully. No name calling or physical aggression, no blackmail. Kids need to be given resources to be respectful. Parents can coach their kids through what they are feeling by using appropriate words.

Sometimes the sibling rivalry escalates when an older child has to take on extra responsibility related to the younger children. Be mindful not to give them more then they can handle. Just because she is the “oldest” doesn’t mean she can manage adult responsibilities. She is still a child. The conflict can escalate because of jealousy as well. Are you giving the kids individual time or at least some quality family time (cards, games, dinner together)?

Do’s and Don’ts

· Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell kids there is no cursing, no name calling, no yelling, no door slamming as well as the fact there will be consequences for that behavior. This teaches kids to be responsible for their own actions and words, even if they were provoked. It will also discourage them from any attempts to negotiate regarding who was “right” and who was “wrong”.
· Don’t’ try to establish who started it; it doesn’t matter because it takes two to fight.
· Don’t’ let them convince you everything has to be “fair” and “equal” the reality is sometimes one child needs more attention or stronger boundaries then another.
· Sometimes you need to separate the kids to let the emotions cool off before moving to the resolution phase.
· Be proactive in giving your kids one-on one time directed to their interests and needs. Your computer guy may not really appreciate a visit to the pet store and your pet lover may not enjoy playing the Wii.
· Make sure kids have opportunities to play with a certain beloved toy without always having to share 50-50. With most fought over items like the T.V. assign designated times for each child to choose his favorite show without having to negotiate every time
· Have fun together as a family so they enjoy the benefit of having a sibling.
· Recognize your kids need time apart from each other by arranging play dates or occasional activities that are separate from the family.

Keep in mind that sometimes kids fight with one another to get attention from their parents or by passers. Remove yourself if necessary and let your partner step in, or perhaps remove your child to his room. Kids need to know your love is infinite, and not limited because you have more then one child. They need to know they are safe and that you are interested in them. Kids believe they are the center of the world, and we know they are the center of ours. Just like mom always said “life isn’t fair” but as parents we can make these painful early lessons sting a little less.

Where Have All The Parents Gone?

Where Have All The Parents Gone?

As I look around at the youth of today I am wondering where have all the parents gone? Our kids seem to struggle with finding themselves, fitting in with peers, and figuring out their life questions, just like we did, however, they seem to making very ill informed decisions. I have watched the sense of entitlement grow throughout the decades and wonder why this group of kids feels they need to get a reward or payment before embarking on a journey that requires any type of effort. What is that? If it were an anomaly just a kid here or there I would say “that kid is lazy”. It doesn’t seem to be an anomaly but rather the norm. Is that what we taught them? I hear questions like “what are you going to pay me if I get an ‘A’?” “How much do I get for cutting the grass?” “If that teacher wants to get anything from me, she has to show me respect.” Are you appalled because I am! Isn’t the reward for an ‘A’, the ‘A’ itself? Doesn’t the ‘A’ mean “you have really done an excellent job on that assignment.” Aren’t the household chores divided up because everyone in the family needs to do their part so the household can run smoothly and for every member of the family have a positive contribution? What do you mean the adult has to show you “special respect” before you will do the mandatory assignment, designed only to teach YOU the skills YOU will need to survive in society!

Somehow, as parents we are really falling short of the mark. With this generation, we have given them adult power and now we wonder why they are drunk with the power we gave them. We are so concerned with self-esteem we have forgotten kids need boundaries as structure and direction. As parents we step in so fast to protect our children, we are often getting in the way of natural consequences. I have actually had parents proudly tell me they have called the teacher to keep their child from having consequences for not having the “daily folder” signed. Their rationale was as a parent THEY should have known to do it. They are missing the point. The point of this little assignment is to teach the children a growing sense of responsibility. They need to learn how to internalize these lessons if they are to become independent, self-motivated people. Yet time and again, as parents we are so concerned with our children’s self-esteem, we get in the way of the bigger lesson.

As parents, it is hard to watch your child have consequences sometimes, like when they stayed up late many nights to finish a project only to “forget” to turn it in on time, and the consequence for a late assignment is a mandatory 50% off the grade. You know the work deserved an “A” but they didn’t make it to the finish line. I have seen many a parent (and have probably done this myself) make the call to lessen the consequence for their child because they couldn’t bear to watch the heartbreak of a kid having the natural consequence for not turning in their assignment. The result? Yes, the consequence was greatly diminished, but so was the bigger life lesson. In the short run your child is grateful you intervened and they received the grade they “deserved” but in the long run you just taught them that everyone else is responsible for their behavior. You just taught them that it is “the teachers fault”, or the parents fault because “you never told me I had an assignment due,” In short, the bigger lesson taught was how to avoid responsibility.

The sense of entitlement is a little something we taught them as well. No way! You say, but it’s true. Let me give you an example of what I mean. How often have you given your kid a ride to school because he missed the bus or just because he doesn’t want to ride the bus A.K.A. Loser Cruiser, and realize that this occasional favor is now expected? Or perhaps you let you child talk back to you without a consequence only to get an e-mail from the teacher about his disrespectful attitude? How often have you given your child a directive to do something only to find it unfinished, but rather then hold him accountable, you decide it is easier to finish yourself to avoid an argument? The result is, a quiet home, a smug kid and a resentful parent. Likely lesson learned? If I don’t finish it, no big deal, someone else will. Or perhaps the child learned that you don’t believe he is capable of finishing it (I’ll bet that isn’t going to help his self-esteem) or perhaps he learned that you really aren’t good at following through, so why should he.

Think about what you really want to teach your child. What is your goal? Do you hope to raise independent, self reliant, considerate people? Then you have to teach them how to get there, that is where boundaries come in. The most simple boundaries are: no means NO: If you don’t know how to do it, I will teach you: if you don’t follow through and finish it, there will be a logical, swift consequence…every single time. Let’s set them up to succeed, rather them just feeling great about not doing much in this life.