Journaling is such a simple way to accelerate your personal development. Often times journaling will begin as a vent for people. They just simply want to release to frustrations of the day or the week. It doesn’t take long for most to realize the power they have in their hands. Journaling can be a tool to explore deep inside, to plum the depths of a being, to uncover lost dreams and create a path to the future. Through journaling we can identify our thought streams. We can see literally how we get off track or how we are stuck in a cycle of self destructive thoughts, which become our reality.
People think sequentially, one thought triggers the next which triggers the next. At times our thoughts will travel down a new branch which will of course take our mind in a different direction. Our thoughts have a beginning, a middle, and an end. While we are in the midst of them, it can be very tricky to navigate to a more positive ending. That is where journaling comes in. When we take the time to review our writings, we will see our thoughts from a different perspective. Often our most terrifying thoughts are much less powerful on paper. Emotions that may be very upsetting to experience in real time, may be much less intense on paper. Sometimes the reverse is true, seeing your reality in a new light, may jolt you into a new direction. While journaling gives most people the power and permission to express themselves, it also gives the writer the power to stop writing when the emotions are too powerful.
It is important to recognize the emotions that one is reacting to. In my own journaling I have recognized that I have reacted to emotions I wasn’t even feeling in the moment. In one situation I was clearly having a knee jerk reaction to a family secret that still influences who I am. Journaling helped me to see how those secrets and myths are still attached to me in day to day life. The writing helped me to identify what I was feeling in my body, and what those emotions are and what they make me believe about me. Those emotions weren’t congruent to my reaction. That experience helped me to understand that you can’t change what you don’t know, and you don’t know what you don’t know.
Journaling can open the quiet, private space inside that you never knew existed. Having this introspection can provide clarity to a situation you may have been mired in. Journaling also provides a record of your progress that you may not have noticed, or a long forgotten pattern rearing its ugly head. Self expression is so important. It is the first step towards self acceptance. We are so willing to believe the negative about ourselves, with journaling we can learn to believe the truth about ourselves. With truth comes power. Understanding the truth of who you are gives you the power to change what you don’t like and move towards what you truly want in life. Take a few minutes each day to reflect on YOU.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Be Careful Where You Step!
“You can’t boss me around you’re not my real mom!” If that sounds familiar, you are part of a stepfamily. Step-parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. Recent studies show that divorce rates are on the increase (50% for 1st marriages, and as high as 75% for consecutive unions) that means there are more and more families blending, and at times, re-blending. I think a better term for combining families would be colliding, rather then blending. Every family comes with its own history, a cast of personalities, traditions, and of course an ex-bomb or two who could detonate at any time. To be successful, the new couple, both bio-parent and step-parent need to have realistic expectations of each other as the family begins its journey. The most important ingredient of this new family is of course love however, the most necessary tool for the success of this family is communication.
Communication, communication, communication. I can’t say it enough and you can’t do it enough. Remember, this is likely new territory for you. This might be your first marriage, or your first time at parenting, or your first time to have to defer to a spouses’ ex. Any of these firsts requires love and support. You need to be able to discuss your thoughts and feelings about these events, and so do all of your family members. Often people believe that if they keep quiet about a problem it will blow over or somehow the situation will change. Not likely. The problem won’t resolve itself magically, your step children will not change their behavior if it is never confronted. You won’t change your behavior if you don’t know it is irritating anyone. Simply trying to “suck it up” will only allow your resentment to build. Before you know it you will resent the step kids, resent your wife for not stepping in to change a situation she doesn’t even know exists, because you have decided to keep it to yourself, and last but not least you will begin to resent yourself for getting into this situation.
The best hope any family has to be healthy and happy is to address issues as they arrive. Parents need to have strategies in place long before a situation arises. People come from different backgrounds, and have different parenting styles. This new family needs structure and structure comes from guidance. Another term for guidance is discipline. The parents of this new family need to plan ahead and develop rules and consequences that fit this new family. So many things have changed for the many family members that consistency is a must for everyone to find their footing. Consistency is going to come from the parents creating a set of rules and guidelines that will be in place even when the other parent isn’t there for back up. Not only will you feel more confident to discipline your charges, even when the bio-parent isn’t home, because the two of you have created a structure ahead of time. Follow the game plan. That game plan also provides a sense of comfort for the bio-parent as she knows you will stick to the plan. Nothing scares a mom like a new step dad who comes ridin’n with both guns a blazing.
Parents are protective and we don’t want anyone parenting our child differently then we do. Of course there will be variations but the variations need to fall in the range the two of you have outlined. Nothing will alienate a child more then a step parent disciplining without some sort of established relationship and certainly if the parenting is far removed from what they are used to. Nothing will alienate a bio-parent more then disciplining their “baby” without some clear guidelines.
Your new family was born out of loss, loss due to death or divorce or perhaps loss due to abandonment. Chances are, you are trying to blend your family members into a new configuration while they are healing from their loss. It’s no wonder tempers flare or children are rude to their new steps, both parents and siblings. Often times they don’t know their new role in their new family. The oldest may now be the middle, or the youngest may be the youngest in one family yet a middle child in his new family. Very confusing, no one knows how to act, what the new rules are and even basic identity may feel like it is slipping away. “Who am I?” Certainly a question every child of a step family asks him self.
Take time to create new traditions for your family. Have regularly scheduled family meetings in which each person can anonymously put ideas in a hat, such as family dinners, family game night, kids cook night, or perhaps camping. Start a scrapbook for your new family, be sure everyone is represented. Kids really do count how many times each person is in a photo so be sure to balance. Is there a certain hobby everyone can participate in such as bike riding, rock climbing, boating, running, or evening walks? Parents set the structure for new family traditions, but everyone has input. The idea is to create warm memories , of course, but on a practicle note, family meetings and outings provide an opportunity for each family member to have a voice and to feel heard.
Even more important is creating regular couple time. Every couple needs time to reconnect with one another, to remember why they fell in love and why they chose each other. If the couple does not nurture the foundation of the family (parents) the rest of the family won’t be on solid ground. Parents get into such a habit of surviving day by day, they often don’t consciously create time alone to talk about all of the things they need to share with one another, such as how the rules are working out, how your annoying habit of leaving the towels on the floor is driving your new spouse up the wall, or how your son is responding positively to his step father after spending a weekend camping. Making the time to communicate provides opportunities. You have the opportunity to revamp the game plan if needed, the opportunity for your spouse to be honest about your annoying behavior, so you have the opportunity to change that behavior an avoid alienating your better half; you have the opportunity to positively reward your child and expand the opportunities to deepen the new relationship with his step parent.
If you take the time to plan your journey in the beginning, the mine field will be mostly mapped out. There will be a miss step here and there and of course and an unpredicitlbe ex-bomb will detonate at will, but the day to day course of living will be much more rewarding, supportive and loving. Not sure where you stand today, talk about it, be brave enough to get the feed back you need to create a more loving environment. You deserve it!
Communication, communication, communication. I can’t say it enough and you can’t do it enough. Remember, this is likely new territory for you. This might be your first marriage, or your first time at parenting, or your first time to have to defer to a spouses’ ex. Any of these firsts requires love and support. You need to be able to discuss your thoughts and feelings about these events, and so do all of your family members. Often people believe that if they keep quiet about a problem it will blow over or somehow the situation will change. Not likely. The problem won’t resolve itself magically, your step children will not change their behavior if it is never confronted. You won’t change your behavior if you don’t know it is irritating anyone. Simply trying to “suck it up” will only allow your resentment to build. Before you know it you will resent the step kids, resent your wife for not stepping in to change a situation she doesn’t even know exists, because you have decided to keep it to yourself, and last but not least you will begin to resent yourself for getting into this situation.
The best hope any family has to be healthy and happy is to address issues as they arrive. Parents need to have strategies in place long before a situation arises. People come from different backgrounds, and have different parenting styles. This new family needs structure and structure comes from guidance. Another term for guidance is discipline. The parents of this new family need to plan ahead and develop rules and consequences that fit this new family. So many things have changed for the many family members that consistency is a must for everyone to find their footing. Consistency is going to come from the parents creating a set of rules and guidelines that will be in place even when the other parent isn’t there for back up. Not only will you feel more confident to discipline your charges, even when the bio-parent isn’t home, because the two of you have created a structure ahead of time. Follow the game plan. That game plan also provides a sense of comfort for the bio-parent as she knows you will stick to the plan. Nothing scares a mom like a new step dad who comes ridin’n with both guns a blazing.
Parents are protective and we don’t want anyone parenting our child differently then we do. Of course there will be variations but the variations need to fall in the range the two of you have outlined. Nothing will alienate a child more then a step parent disciplining without some sort of established relationship and certainly if the parenting is far removed from what they are used to. Nothing will alienate a bio-parent more then disciplining their “baby” without some clear guidelines.
Your new family was born out of loss, loss due to death or divorce or perhaps loss due to abandonment. Chances are, you are trying to blend your family members into a new configuration while they are healing from their loss. It’s no wonder tempers flare or children are rude to their new steps, both parents and siblings. Often times they don’t know their new role in their new family. The oldest may now be the middle, or the youngest may be the youngest in one family yet a middle child in his new family. Very confusing, no one knows how to act, what the new rules are and even basic identity may feel like it is slipping away. “Who am I?” Certainly a question every child of a step family asks him self.
Take time to create new traditions for your family. Have regularly scheduled family meetings in which each person can anonymously put ideas in a hat, such as family dinners, family game night, kids cook night, or perhaps camping. Start a scrapbook for your new family, be sure everyone is represented. Kids really do count how many times each person is in a photo so be sure to balance. Is there a certain hobby everyone can participate in such as bike riding, rock climbing, boating, running, or evening walks? Parents set the structure for new family traditions, but everyone has input. The idea is to create warm memories , of course, but on a practicle note, family meetings and outings provide an opportunity for each family member to have a voice and to feel heard.
Even more important is creating regular couple time. Every couple needs time to reconnect with one another, to remember why they fell in love and why they chose each other. If the couple does not nurture the foundation of the family (parents) the rest of the family won’t be on solid ground. Parents get into such a habit of surviving day by day, they often don’t consciously create time alone to talk about all of the things they need to share with one another, such as how the rules are working out, how your annoying habit of leaving the towels on the floor is driving your new spouse up the wall, or how your son is responding positively to his step father after spending a weekend camping. Making the time to communicate provides opportunities. You have the opportunity to revamp the game plan if needed, the opportunity for your spouse to be honest about your annoying behavior, so you have the opportunity to change that behavior an avoid alienating your better half; you have the opportunity to positively reward your child and expand the opportunities to deepen the new relationship with his step parent.
If you take the time to plan your journey in the beginning, the mine field will be mostly mapped out. There will be a miss step here and there and of course and an unpredicitlbe ex-bomb will detonate at will, but the day to day course of living will be much more rewarding, supportive and loving. Not sure where you stand today, talk about it, be brave enough to get the feed back you need to create a more loving environment. You deserve it!
Friday, May 9, 2008
If They Have Siblings, They Will Rival
If They Have Siblings, They Will Rival
Mom, she’s in my room again! Quit bugging me! It’s my turn! Sound familiar? If it does then you have more then two kids. Sibling rivalry, while it can certainly be upsetting to watch and hear, it is also very normal and part of everyday life in most households. I know you are probably thinking, “the way my kids fight, it can’t possibly be normal.” As parents, the sound of our bickering children can be as annoying as the ping of dripping water in the night, or worse yet, fingernails on a chalk board but the truth is current research indicates sibling rivalry is a sign of a healthy household. In fact, a one sign of a dysfunctional household is that there is no sibling rivalry. In these homes, the stress level is so high that the children cling to one another for security.
Ok, so the experts assure us that it is normal for our little ankle biters to squabble, but do they have a good explanation of why? Apparently, the purpose of sibling rivalry is to learn how to resolve conflicts in a civil manner. I think that expert hasn’t heard my kids resolve their conflicts. On a recent car trip to Disney World my daughter became very agitated with her brother and bellowed out “MOM, he’s BREATHING AGAIN!” like he was willfully breaking the law and should be arrested. I feel much better about their relationship now that the experts assure me there is no pathology involved.
Those conflict resolution skills we employ so seamlessly in the work place are a direct result of the skills learned in sparing with our sibs. In the moment of conflict resolution, we learn that our brother is bigger and stronger, that our sister is sneaky and of course there is always a brown noser in the bunch. So how could that help us later in life? We learn how to navigate all these personality types and see patterns in their war tactics. We learn how to anticipate their wylie moves so one day; we can come out on top of the pile. It takes a lot of practice to develop good negotiating skills. Can you remember the first time you negotiated successfully with your brother to not pound the life out of you? Or when you convinced your sneaky sister that it was not in her best interest to tell on you? More negotiating skills.
We also learn first hand about fairness. There always seems to be one kid who doesn’t work much and gets all “A’s” while the others work desperately to simply pass, or the fact that the older sister gets all new clothes that the younger sister gets all the hand me downs. There is also the fact that you couldn’t ride “shot gun” until you were 11 but your little brother gets the privilege at age 8. Not fair. Those painful truths help us out later in life when your incompetent coworker gets the promotion you deserve, or when the neighbors move to a bigger, nicer home, or the fact that the Jones’s seem to have a happier marriage. We can handle and accept these realities with grace because learned all these painful lessons in childhood. The benefit to first experiencing these painful lessons in childhood is that grace is not expected of children. They are allowed to have a bit of a tantrum and scream “THAT’S NOT FAIR” something not allowed when you are an adult. I know, that’s not fair either.
The experts recommend that parents not intervene too much in conflict resolution so our little ankle biters can learn the skills they need. Parents do need to be sure there is no bullying or coercion going on or the lesson learned is that it is ok to take advantage of weaker people, or the flip side, to just give up and not stand up for yourself. Parents also need to coach their children to resolve their conflicts respectfully. No name calling or physical aggression, no blackmail. Kids need to be given resources to be respectful. Parents can coach their kids through what they are feeling by using appropriate words.
Sometimes the sibling rivalry escalates when an older child has to take on extra responsibility related to the younger children. Be mindful not to give them more then they can handle. Just because she is the “oldest” doesn’t mean she can manage adult responsibilities. She is still a child. The conflict can escalate because of jealousy as well. Are you giving the kids individual time or at least some quality family time (cards, games, dinner together)?
Do’s and Don’ts
· Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell kids there is no cursing, no name calling, no yelling, no door slamming as well as the fact there will be consequences for that behavior. This teaches kids to be responsible for their own actions and words, even if they were provoked. It will also discourage them from any attempts to negotiate regarding who was “right” and who was “wrong”.
· Don’t’ try to establish who started it; it doesn’t matter because it takes two to fight.
· Don’t’ let them convince you everything has to be “fair” and “equal” the reality is sometimes one child needs more attention or stronger boundaries then another.
· Sometimes you need to separate the kids to let the emotions cool off before moving to the resolution phase.
· Be proactive in giving your kids one-on one time directed to their interests and needs. Your computer guy may not really appreciate a visit to the pet store and your pet lover may not enjoy playing the Wii.
· Make sure kids have opportunities to play with a certain beloved toy without always having to share 50-50. With most fought over items like the T.V. assign designated times for each child to choose his favorite show without having to negotiate every time
· Have fun together as a family so they enjoy the benefit of having a sibling.
· Recognize your kids need time apart from each other by arranging play dates or occasional activities that are separate from the family.
Keep in mind that sometimes kids fight with one another to get attention from their parents or by passers. Remove yourself if necessary and let your partner step in, or perhaps remove your child to his room. Kids need to know your love is infinite, and not limited because you have more then one child. They need to know they are safe and that you are interested in them. Kids believe they are the center of the world, and we know they are the center of ours. Just like mom always said “life isn’t fair” but as parents we can make these painful early lessons sting a little less.
Mom, she’s in my room again! Quit bugging me! It’s my turn! Sound familiar? If it does then you have more then two kids. Sibling rivalry, while it can certainly be upsetting to watch and hear, it is also very normal and part of everyday life in most households. I know you are probably thinking, “the way my kids fight, it can’t possibly be normal.” As parents, the sound of our bickering children can be as annoying as the ping of dripping water in the night, or worse yet, fingernails on a chalk board but the truth is current research indicates sibling rivalry is a sign of a healthy household. In fact, a one sign of a dysfunctional household is that there is no sibling rivalry. In these homes, the stress level is so high that the children cling to one another for security.
Ok, so the experts assure us that it is normal for our little ankle biters to squabble, but do they have a good explanation of why? Apparently, the purpose of sibling rivalry is to learn how to resolve conflicts in a civil manner. I think that expert hasn’t heard my kids resolve their conflicts. On a recent car trip to Disney World my daughter became very agitated with her brother and bellowed out “MOM, he’s BREATHING AGAIN!” like he was willfully breaking the law and should be arrested. I feel much better about their relationship now that the experts assure me there is no pathology involved.
Those conflict resolution skills we employ so seamlessly in the work place are a direct result of the skills learned in sparing with our sibs. In the moment of conflict resolution, we learn that our brother is bigger and stronger, that our sister is sneaky and of course there is always a brown noser in the bunch. So how could that help us later in life? We learn how to navigate all these personality types and see patterns in their war tactics. We learn how to anticipate their wylie moves so one day; we can come out on top of the pile. It takes a lot of practice to develop good negotiating skills. Can you remember the first time you negotiated successfully with your brother to not pound the life out of you? Or when you convinced your sneaky sister that it was not in her best interest to tell on you? More negotiating skills.
We also learn first hand about fairness. There always seems to be one kid who doesn’t work much and gets all “A’s” while the others work desperately to simply pass, or the fact that the older sister gets all new clothes that the younger sister gets all the hand me downs. There is also the fact that you couldn’t ride “shot gun” until you were 11 but your little brother gets the privilege at age 8. Not fair. Those painful truths help us out later in life when your incompetent coworker gets the promotion you deserve, or when the neighbors move to a bigger, nicer home, or the fact that the Jones’s seem to have a happier marriage. We can handle and accept these realities with grace because learned all these painful lessons in childhood. The benefit to first experiencing these painful lessons in childhood is that grace is not expected of children. They are allowed to have a bit of a tantrum and scream “THAT’S NOT FAIR” something not allowed when you are an adult. I know, that’s not fair either.
The experts recommend that parents not intervene too much in conflict resolution so our little ankle biters can learn the skills they need. Parents do need to be sure there is no bullying or coercion going on or the lesson learned is that it is ok to take advantage of weaker people, or the flip side, to just give up and not stand up for yourself. Parents also need to coach their children to resolve their conflicts respectfully. No name calling or physical aggression, no blackmail. Kids need to be given resources to be respectful. Parents can coach their kids through what they are feeling by using appropriate words.
Sometimes the sibling rivalry escalates when an older child has to take on extra responsibility related to the younger children. Be mindful not to give them more then they can handle. Just because she is the “oldest” doesn’t mean she can manage adult responsibilities. She is still a child. The conflict can escalate because of jealousy as well. Are you giving the kids individual time or at least some quality family time (cards, games, dinner together)?
Do’s and Don’ts
· Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell kids there is no cursing, no name calling, no yelling, no door slamming as well as the fact there will be consequences for that behavior. This teaches kids to be responsible for their own actions and words, even if they were provoked. It will also discourage them from any attempts to negotiate regarding who was “right” and who was “wrong”.
· Don’t’ try to establish who started it; it doesn’t matter because it takes two to fight.
· Don’t’ let them convince you everything has to be “fair” and “equal” the reality is sometimes one child needs more attention or stronger boundaries then another.
· Sometimes you need to separate the kids to let the emotions cool off before moving to the resolution phase.
· Be proactive in giving your kids one-on one time directed to their interests and needs. Your computer guy may not really appreciate a visit to the pet store and your pet lover may not enjoy playing the Wii.
· Make sure kids have opportunities to play with a certain beloved toy without always having to share 50-50. With most fought over items like the T.V. assign designated times for each child to choose his favorite show without having to negotiate every time
· Have fun together as a family so they enjoy the benefit of having a sibling.
· Recognize your kids need time apart from each other by arranging play dates or occasional activities that are separate from the family.
Keep in mind that sometimes kids fight with one another to get attention from their parents or by passers. Remove yourself if necessary and let your partner step in, or perhaps remove your child to his room. Kids need to know your love is infinite, and not limited because you have more then one child. They need to know they are safe and that you are interested in them. Kids believe they are the center of the world, and we know they are the center of ours. Just like mom always said “life isn’t fair” but as parents we can make these painful early lessons sting a little less.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Where Have All The Parents Gone?
Where Have All The Parents Gone?
As I look around at the youth of today I am wondering where have all the parents gone? Our kids seem to struggle with finding themselves, fitting in with peers, and figuring out their life questions, just like we did, however, they seem to making very ill informed decisions. I have watched the sense of entitlement grow throughout the decades and wonder why this group of kids feels they need to get a reward or payment before embarking on a journey that requires any type of effort. What is that? If it were an anomaly just a kid here or there I would say “that kid is lazy”. It doesn’t seem to be an anomaly but rather the norm. Is that what we taught them? I hear questions like “what are you going to pay me if I get an ‘A’?” “How much do I get for cutting the grass?” “If that teacher wants to get anything from me, she has to show me respect.” Are you appalled because I am! Isn’t the reward for an ‘A’, the ‘A’ itself? Doesn’t the ‘A’ mean “you have really done an excellent job on that assignment.” Aren’t the household chores divided up because everyone in the family needs to do their part so the household can run smoothly and for every member of the family have a positive contribution? What do you mean the adult has to show you “special respect” before you will do the mandatory assignment, designed only to teach YOU the skills YOU will need to survive in society!
Somehow, as parents we are really falling short of the mark. With this generation, we have given them adult power and now we wonder why they are drunk with the power we gave them. We are so concerned with self-esteem we have forgotten kids need boundaries as structure and direction. As parents we step in so fast to protect our children, we are often getting in the way of natural consequences. I have actually had parents proudly tell me they have called the teacher to keep their child from having consequences for not having the “daily folder” signed. Their rationale was as a parent THEY should have known to do it. They are missing the point. The point of this little assignment is to teach the children a growing sense of responsibility. They need to learn how to internalize these lessons if they are to become independent, self-motivated people. Yet time and again, as parents we are so concerned with our children’s self-esteem, we get in the way of the bigger lesson.
As parents, it is hard to watch your child have consequences sometimes, like when they stayed up late many nights to finish a project only to “forget” to turn it in on time, and the consequence for a late assignment is a mandatory 50% off the grade. You know the work deserved an “A” but they didn’t make it to the finish line. I have seen many a parent (and have probably done this myself) make the call to lessen the consequence for their child because they couldn’t bear to watch the heartbreak of a kid having the natural consequence for not turning in their assignment. The result? Yes, the consequence was greatly diminished, but so was the bigger life lesson. In the short run your child is grateful you intervened and they received the grade they “deserved” but in the long run you just taught them that everyone else is responsible for their behavior. You just taught them that it is “the teachers fault”, or the parents fault because “you never told me I had an assignment due,” In short, the bigger lesson taught was how to avoid responsibility.
The sense of entitlement is a little something we taught them as well. No way! You say, but it’s true. Let me give you an example of what I mean. How often have you given your kid a ride to school because he missed the bus or just because he doesn’t want to ride the bus A.K.A. Loser Cruiser, and realize that this occasional favor is now expected? Or perhaps you let you child talk back to you without a consequence only to get an e-mail from the teacher about his disrespectful attitude? How often have you given your child a directive to do something only to find it unfinished, but rather then hold him accountable, you decide it is easier to finish yourself to avoid an argument? The result is, a quiet home, a smug kid and a resentful parent. Likely lesson learned? If I don’t finish it, no big deal, someone else will. Or perhaps the child learned that you don’t believe he is capable of finishing it (I’ll bet that isn’t going to help his self-esteem) or perhaps he learned that you really aren’t good at following through, so why should he.
Think about what you really want to teach your child. What is your goal? Do you hope to raise independent, self reliant, considerate people? Then you have to teach them how to get there, that is where boundaries come in. The most simple boundaries are: no means NO: If you don’t know how to do it, I will teach you: if you don’t follow through and finish it, there will be a logical, swift consequence…every single time. Let’s set them up to succeed, rather them just feeling great about not doing much in this life.
As I look around at the youth of today I am wondering where have all the parents gone? Our kids seem to struggle with finding themselves, fitting in with peers, and figuring out their life questions, just like we did, however, they seem to making very ill informed decisions. I have watched the sense of entitlement grow throughout the decades and wonder why this group of kids feels they need to get a reward or payment before embarking on a journey that requires any type of effort. What is that? If it were an anomaly just a kid here or there I would say “that kid is lazy”. It doesn’t seem to be an anomaly but rather the norm. Is that what we taught them? I hear questions like “what are you going to pay me if I get an ‘A’?” “How much do I get for cutting the grass?” “If that teacher wants to get anything from me, she has to show me respect.” Are you appalled because I am! Isn’t the reward for an ‘A’, the ‘A’ itself? Doesn’t the ‘A’ mean “you have really done an excellent job on that assignment.” Aren’t the household chores divided up because everyone in the family needs to do their part so the household can run smoothly and for every member of the family have a positive contribution? What do you mean the adult has to show you “special respect” before you will do the mandatory assignment, designed only to teach YOU the skills YOU will need to survive in society!
Somehow, as parents we are really falling short of the mark. With this generation, we have given them adult power and now we wonder why they are drunk with the power we gave them. We are so concerned with self-esteem we have forgotten kids need boundaries as structure and direction. As parents we step in so fast to protect our children, we are often getting in the way of natural consequences. I have actually had parents proudly tell me they have called the teacher to keep their child from having consequences for not having the “daily folder” signed. Their rationale was as a parent THEY should have known to do it. They are missing the point. The point of this little assignment is to teach the children a growing sense of responsibility. They need to learn how to internalize these lessons if they are to become independent, self-motivated people. Yet time and again, as parents we are so concerned with our children’s self-esteem, we get in the way of the bigger lesson.
As parents, it is hard to watch your child have consequences sometimes, like when they stayed up late many nights to finish a project only to “forget” to turn it in on time, and the consequence for a late assignment is a mandatory 50% off the grade. You know the work deserved an “A” but they didn’t make it to the finish line. I have seen many a parent (and have probably done this myself) make the call to lessen the consequence for their child because they couldn’t bear to watch the heartbreak of a kid having the natural consequence for not turning in their assignment. The result? Yes, the consequence was greatly diminished, but so was the bigger life lesson. In the short run your child is grateful you intervened and they received the grade they “deserved” but in the long run you just taught them that everyone else is responsible for their behavior. You just taught them that it is “the teachers fault”, or the parents fault because “you never told me I had an assignment due,” In short, the bigger lesson taught was how to avoid responsibility.
The sense of entitlement is a little something we taught them as well. No way! You say, but it’s true. Let me give you an example of what I mean. How often have you given your kid a ride to school because he missed the bus or just because he doesn’t want to ride the bus A.K.A. Loser Cruiser, and realize that this occasional favor is now expected? Or perhaps you let you child talk back to you without a consequence only to get an e-mail from the teacher about his disrespectful attitude? How often have you given your child a directive to do something only to find it unfinished, but rather then hold him accountable, you decide it is easier to finish yourself to avoid an argument? The result is, a quiet home, a smug kid and a resentful parent. Likely lesson learned? If I don’t finish it, no big deal, someone else will. Or perhaps the child learned that you don’t believe he is capable of finishing it (I’ll bet that isn’t going to help his self-esteem) or perhaps he learned that you really aren’t good at following through, so why should he.
Think about what you really want to teach your child. What is your goal? Do you hope to raise independent, self reliant, considerate people? Then you have to teach them how to get there, that is where boundaries come in. The most simple boundaries are: no means NO: If you don’t know how to do it, I will teach you: if you don’t follow through and finish it, there will be a logical, swift consequence…every single time. Let’s set them up to succeed, rather them just feeling great about not doing much in this life.
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