Be Careful Where You Step!

“You can’t boss me around you’re not my real mom!” If that sounds familiar, you are part of a stepfamily. Step-parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. Recent studies show that divorce rates are on the increase (50% for 1st marriages, and as high as 75% for consecutive unions) that means there are more and more families blending, and at times, re-blending. I think a better term for combining families would be colliding, rather then blending. Every family comes with its own history, a cast of personalities, traditions, and of course an ex-bomb or two who could detonate at any time. To be successful, the new couple, both bio-parent and step-parent need to have realistic expectations of each other as the family begins its journey. The most important ingredient of this new family is of course love however, the most necessary tool for the success of this family is communication.

Communication, communication, communication. I can’t say it enough and you can’t do it enough. Remember, this is likely new territory for you. This might be your first marriage, or your first time at parenting, or your first time to have to defer to a spouses’ ex. Any of these firsts requires love and support. You need to be able to discuss your thoughts and feelings about these events, and so do all of your family members. Often people believe that if they keep quiet about a problem it will blow over or somehow the situation will change. Not likely. The problem won’t resolve itself magically, your step children will not change their behavior if it is never confronted. You won’t change your behavior if you don’t know it is irritating anyone. Simply trying to “suck it up” will only allow your resentment to build. Before you know it you will resent the step kids, resent your wife for not stepping in to change a situation she doesn’t even know exists, because you have decided to keep it to yourself, and last but not least you will begin to resent yourself for getting into this situation.

The best hope any family has to be healthy and happy is to address issues as they arrive. Parents need to have strategies in place long before a situation arises. People come from different backgrounds, and have different parenting styles. This new family needs structure and structure comes from guidance. Another term for guidance is discipline. The parents of this new family need to plan ahead and develop rules and consequences that fit this new family. So many things have changed for the many family members that consistency is a must for everyone to find their footing. Consistency is going to come from the parents creating a set of rules and guidelines that will be in place even when the other parent isn’t there for back up. Not only will you feel more confident to discipline your charges, even when the bio-parent isn’t home, because the two of you have created a structure ahead of time. Follow the game plan. That game plan also provides a sense of comfort for the bio-parent as she knows you will stick to the plan. Nothing scares a mom like a new step dad who comes ridin’n with both guns a blazing.

Parents are protective and we don’t want anyone parenting our child differently then we do. Of course there will be variations but the variations need to fall in the range the two of you have outlined. Nothing will alienate a child more then a step parent disciplining without some sort of established relationship and certainly if the parenting is far removed from what they are used to. Nothing will alienate a bio-parent more then disciplining their “baby” without some clear guidelines.


Your new family was born out of loss, loss due to death or divorce or perhaps loss due to abandonment. Chances are, you are trying to blend your family members into a new configuration while they are healing from their loss. It’s no wonder tempers flare or children are rude to their new steps, both parents and siblings. Often times they don’t know their new role in their new family. The oldest may now be the middle, or the youngest may be the youngest in one family yet a middle child in his new family. Very confusing, no one knows how to act, what the new rules are and even basic identity may feel like it is slipping away. “Who am I?” Certainly a question every child of a step family asks him self.

Take time to create new traditions for your family. Have regularly scheduled family meetings in which each person can anonymously put ideas in a hat, such as family dinners, family game night, kids cook night, or perhaps camping. Start a scrapbook for your new family, be sure everyone is represented. Kids really do count how many times each person is in a photo so be sure to balance. Is there a certain hobby everyone can participate in such as bike riding, rock climbing, boating, running, or evening walks? Parents set the structure for new family traditions, but everyone has input. The idea is to create warm memories , of course, but on a practicle note, family meetings and outings provide an opportunity for each family member to have a voice and to feel heard.

Even more important is creating regular couple time. Every couple needs time to reconnect with one another, to remember why they fell in love and why they chose each other. If the couple does not nurture the foundation of the family (parents) the rest of the family won’t be on solid ground. Parents get into such a habit of surviving day by day, they often don’t consciously create time alone to talk about all of the things they need to share with one another, such as how the rules are working out, how your annoying habit of leaving the towels on the floor is driving your new spouse up the wall, or how your son is responding positively to his step father after spending a weekend camping. Making the time to communicate provides opportunities. You have the opportunity to revamp the game plan if needed, the opportunity for your spouse to be honest about your annoying behavior, so you have the opportunity to change that behavior an avoid alienating your better half; you have the opportunity to positively reward your child and expand the opportunities to deepen the new relationship with his step parent.

If you take the time to plan your journey in the beginning, the mine field will be mostly mapped out. There will be a miss step here and there and of course and an unpredicitlbe ex-bomb will detonate at will, but the day to day course of living will be much more rewarding, supportive and loving. Not sure where you stand today, talk about it, be brave enough to get the feed back you need to create a more loving environment. You deserve it!