If They Have Siblings, They Will Rival

If They Have Siblings, They Will Rival

Mom, she’s in my room again! Quit bugging me! It’s my turn! Sound familiar? If it does then you have more then two kids. Sibling rivalry, while it can certainly be upsetting to watch and hear, it is also very normal and part of everyday life in most households. I know you are probably thinking, “the way my kids fight, it can’t possibly be normal.” As parents, the sound of our bickering children can be as annoying as the ping of dripping water in the night, or worse yet, fingernails on a chalk board but the truth is current research indicates sibling rivalry is a sign of a healthy household. In fact, a one sign of a dysfunctional household is that there is no sibling rivalry. In these homes, the stress level is so high that the children cling to one another for security.

Ok, so the experts assure us that it is normal for our little ankle biters to squabble, but do they have a good explanation of why? Apparently, the purpose of sibling rivalry is to learn how to resolve conflicts in a civil manner. I think that expert hasn’t heard my kids resolve their conflicts. On a recent car trip to Disney World my daughter became very agitated with her brother and bellowed out “MOM, he’s BREATHING AGAIN!” like he was willfully breaking the law and should be arrested. I feel much better about their relationship now that the experts assure me there is no pathology involved.

Those conflict resolution skills we employ so seamlessly in the work place are a direct result of the skills learned in sparing with our sibs. In the moment of conflict resolution, we learn that our brother is bigger and stronger, that our sister is sneaky and of course there is always a brown noser in the bunch. So how could that help us later in life? We learn how to navigate all these personality types and see patterns in their war tactics. We learn how to anticipate their wylie moves so one day; we can come out on top of the pile. It takes a lot of practice to develop good negotiating skills. Can you remember the first time you negotiated successfully with your brother to not pound the life out of you? Or when you convinced your sneaky sister that it was not in her best interest to tell on you? More negotiating skills.

We also learn first hand about fairness. There always seems to be one kid who doesn’t work much and gets all “A’s” while the others work desperately to simply pass, or the fact that the older sister gets all new clothes that the younger sister gets all the hand me downs. There is also the fact that you couldn’t ride “shot gun” until you were 11 but your little brother gets the privilege at age 8. Not fair. Those painful truths help us out later in life when your incompetent coworker gets the promotion you deserve, or when the neighbors move to a bigger, nicer home, or the fact that the Jones’s seem to have a happier marriage. We can handle and accept these realities with grace because learned all these painful lessons in childhood. The benefit to first experiencing these painful lessons in childhood is that grace is not expected of children. They are allowed to have a bit of a tantrum and scream “THAT’S NOT FAIR” something not allowed when you are an adult. I know, that’s not fair either.

The experts recommend that parents not intervene too much in conflict resolution so our little ankle biters can learn the skills they need. Parents do need to be sure there is no bullying or coercion going on or the lesson learned is that it is ok to take advantage of weaker people, or the flip side, to just give up and not stand up for yourself. Parents also need to coach their children to resolve their conflicts respectfully. No name calling or physical aggression, no blackmail. Kids need to be given resources to be respectful. Parents can coach their kids through what they are feeling by using appropriate words.

Sometimes the sibling rivalry escalates when an older child has to take on extra responsibility related to the younger children. Be mindful not to give them more then they can handle. Just because she is the “oldest” doesn’t mean she can manage adult responsibilities. She is still a child. The conflict can escalate because of jealousy as well. Are you giving the kids individual time or at least some quality family time (cards, games, dinner together)?

Do’s and Don’ts

· Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell kids there is no cursing, no name calling, no yelling, no door slamming as well as the fact there will be consequences for that behavior. This teaches kids to be responsible for their own actions and words, even if they were provoked. It will also discourage them from any attempts to negotiate regarding who was “right” and who was “wrong”.
· Don’t’ try to establish who started it; it doesn’t matter because it takes two to fight.
· Don’t’ let them convince you everything has to be “fair” and “equal” the reality is sometimes one child needs more attention or stronger boundaries then another.
· Sometimes you need to separate the kids to let the emotions cool off before moving to the resolution phase.
· Be proactive in giving your kids one-on one time directed to their interests and needs. Your computer guy may not really appreciate a visit to the pet store and your pet lover may not enjoy playing the Wii.
· Make sure kids have opportunities to play with a certain beloved toy without always having to share 50-50. With most fought over items like the T.V. assign designated times for each child to choose his favorite show without having to negotiate every time
· Have fun together as a family so they enjoy the benefit of having a sibling.
· Recognize your kids need time apart from each other by arranging play dates or occasional activities that are separate from the family.

Keep in mind that sometimes kids fight with one another to get attention from their parents or by passers. Remove yourself if necessary and let your partner step in, or perhaps remove your child to his room. Kids need to know your love is infinite, and not limited because you have more then one child. They need to know they are safe and that you are interested in them. Kids believe they are the center of the world, and we know they are the center of ours. Just like mom always said “life isn’t fair” but as parents we can make these painful early lessons sting a little less.