Where Have All The Parents Gone?

Where Have All The Parents Gone?

As I look around at the youth of today I am wondering where have all the parents gone? Our kids seem to struggle with finding themselves, fitting in with peers, and figuring out their life questions, just like we did, however, they seem to making very ill informed decisions. I have watched the sense of entitlement grow throughout the decades and wonder why this group of kids feels they need to get a reward or payment before embarking on a journey that requires any type of effort. What is that? If it were an anomaly just a kid here or there I would say “that kid is lazy”. It doesn’t seem to be an anomaly but rather the norm. Is that what we taught them? I hear questions like “what are you going to pay me if I get an ‘A’?” “How much do I get for cutting the grass?” “If that teacher wants to get anything from me, she has to show me respect.” Are you appalled because I am! Isn’t the reward for an ‘A’, the ‘A’ itself? Doesn’t the ‘A’ mean “you have really done an excellent job on that assignment.” Aren’t the household chores divided up because everyone in the family needs to do their part so the household can run smoothly and for every member of the family have a positive contribution? What do you mean the adult has to show you “special respect” before you will do the mandatory assignment, designed only to teach YOU the skills YOU will need to survive in society!

Somehow, as parents we are really falling short of the mark. With this generation, we have given them adult power and now we wonder why they are drunk with the power we gave them. We are so concerned with self-esteem we have forgotten kids need boundaries as structure and direction. As parents we step in so fast to protect our children, we are often getting in the way of natural consequences. I have actually had parents proudly tell me they have called the teacher to keep their child from having consequences for not having the “daily folder” signed. Their rationale was as a parent THEY should have known to do it. They are missing the point. The point of this little assignment is to teach the children a growing sense of responsibility. They need to learn how to internalize these lessons if they are to become independent, self-motivated people. Yet time and again, as parents we are so concerned with our children’s self-esteem, we get in the way of the bigger lesson.

As parents, it is hard to watch your child have consequences sometimes, like when they stayed up late many nights to finish a project only to “forget” to turn it in on time, and the consequence for a late assignment is a mandatory 50% off the grade. You know the work deserved an “A” but they didn’t make it to the finish line. I have seen many a parent (and have probably done this myself) make the call to lessen the consequence for their child because they couldn’t bear to watch the heartbreak of a kid having the natural consequence for not turning in their assignment. The result? Yes, the consequence was greatly diminished, but so was the bigger life lesson. In the short run your child is grateful you intervened and they received the grade they “deserved” but in the long run you just taught them that everyone else is responsible for their behavior. You just taught them that it is “the teachers fault”, or the parents fault because “you never told me I had an assignment due,” In short, the bigger lesson taught was how to avoid responsibility.

The sense of entitlement is a little something we taught them as well. No way! You say, but it’s true. Let me give you an example of what I mean. How often have you given your kid a ride to school because he missed the bus or just because he doesn’t want to ride the bus A.K.A. Loser Cruiser, and realize that this occasional favor is now expected? Or perhaps you let you child talk back to you without a consequence only to get an e-mail from the teacher about his disrespectful attitude? How often have you given your child a directive to do something only to find it unfinished, but rather then hold him accountable, you decide it is easier to finish yourself to avoid an argument? The result is, a quiet home, a smug kid and a resentful parent. Likely lesson learned? If I don’t finish it, no big deal, someone else will. Or perhaps the child learned that you don’t believe he is capable of finishing it (I’ll bet that isn’t going to help his self-esteem) or perhaps he learned that you really aren’t good at following through, so why should he.

Think about what you really want to teach your child. What is your goal? Do you hope to raise independent, self reliant, considerate people? Then you have to teach them how to get there, that is where boundaries come in. The most simple boundaries are: no means NO: If you don’t know how to do it, I will teach you: if you don’t follow through and finish it, there will be a logical, swift consequence…every single time. Let’s set them up to succeed, rather them just feeling great about not doing much in this life.